Bad Days

When the writing isn't working

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to write anything for Substack this week, because I’ve working hard on a freelance project I had due in the middle of November. In my usual style, I procrastinated marvellously with this project, and in my usual style, I grumbled about the ill effects of said procrastination as if they were someone else’s fault. I was frustrated about being unable to work on my novel or do any writing for fun, and this frustration was manifesting in a smidge of resentment towards the project I was focusing on. Of course, I would have been perfectly capable of working on all of my projects consecutively if I managed my time well, but I didn’t. I never do!

While I was working on the freelance writing, I was romanticising my unfinished novel and longing to get back to it. I try really hard not to romanticise the writing process, because it doesn’t work for me. I’m a lot more productive when I acknowledge the amount of hard work that is involved in my creative process and prioritise sitting down at my laptop as much as possible over chasing lightning strikes of inspiration. But over the last week or two, I regret to say that I have been bad at following my own rules. I’ve been idealising my manuscript in my mind and counting down to the day I can switch my full focus back to it. And… that day is today. I woke up this morning with plans to stay in my pyjamas and write, and then… I got stage fright. I kept finding reasons not sit down at my laptop. I cleaned the flat, I did a food shop, I completed my self-assessment tax return (wouldn’t recommend).

Somewhere during this time, I thought myself into a downward spiral. I actually think it was the taxes that did this. I started thinking about the novel like it was a risky financial investment that was unlikely to pay off. I became consumed by the fact that I’m living off the money from my previous novel and getting closer and closer to my self-imposed deadline for finishing this one. I’ve written extensively on all of the ways that writing has enriched my life and helped my mental health but it’s also the way I make my living, and I find the lack of financial security worrying. This morning, every time I tried to sit down and work I became consumed by money worries and what would happen if I didn’t finish it soon, or (even scarier!) if I did finish it but I couldn’t sell it. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. It goes without saying that this is not a good mindset for creative productivity. And so my page remained blank! And that made me feel even worse about myself!

me stressing about not writing while… not writing

In a way, writing this right now is another form of procrastinating. Working from home means that I approach my day like a conflict that I win if I get enough work done and lose if I do not. My flat becomes a battlefield and I become a soldier fighting against my enemies: procrastination and self-loathing. My introspective nature, which is so beneficial to my writing, becomes violently detrimental to both my work and my mental health when I get stuck in a negative spiral of thoughts such as the one I am in right now. I’ve been engaging in forms of distraction - cleaning, taxes - all morning because I don’t want to accept the fact that I might not get any work done today. The distraction didn’t make me feel better, so now I’m writing about it, in the hope that facing my feelings head on is enough to shake me into a better headspace

my WFH companions

.I’m not sure if this plan will work but even if it doesn’t it feels important to post. I shared an essay a few weeks ago about how well my writing was going and how I felt like I was finally through the second book stress period, but today, I look back on that essay and feel like the girl who wrote it is unrecognisable and unbearably smug. I want to share my thoughts on a day when writing feels impossible because I don’t want to get into a habit of only talking about my wins. There are so many spiky, maddening losses in the process of writing a novel and today is one of them. But tomorrow awaits! The novel will get written! I don’t believe it right now but I’m saying it anyway, because I am unwilling to consider the alternative. XO